to love is to risk not being loved in return.

My name is Jeff and I hijacked this journal :)

I <3 bbsy

Wayne C 02: http://www.livejournal.com/users/bigfootkevin/306996.html
omg wtf bbsy: what the FUCK
Wayne C 02: i came
Wayne C 02: twice
omg wtf bbsy: I THINK I JUST DID
Wayne C 02: I MADE YOU CUM AGAIN.
Wayne C 02: xD
omg wtf bbsy: LOL

BBSY is sick of lj.

back to xanga i go!

www.xanga.com/withyou__ifall

peace <3

this weekend was/is offically awesome. and i don't have school monday.
and i have nothing other than that to say. because lj is lol.


i can't count how many fucking times i've said "lawl" in the past few days.

i'm at nick's house right now.. and it smells realllyyy good in here. i just realized i'm typing on my own keyboard because i gave him this.


okay enough ranting. sooo tomorrow i will most likely be seeing bread again. but first, my mom is taking me to pc richard to so i can get my camera button fixed ( YAY NO M0RE THUMBTACS! ) and then it will be christink and bbsy day part 3 and we are going to go OMFGZ SHOPPING! at the thrift store.


kbye!

yeah so i walk into the break.

dan: HI JESS PANDEMONIUM IS UNLOCKED
me: *scream*


4% w00t

i WILL pass it in the next 2 months.


*waits impatienly for tomorrow to come..* <3

so, i went to the doctor's yesterday, and i have a sinus infection.

i feel like shit still. and tomorrow's friday. i better feel better tomorrow.

i have to go to school tomorrow. =(

but after school it will be a fucking kick ass night. because i said so. nobody's gonna ruin it this time.


nothing else is new here. same ol shit. sleep, bread, itg, break, more sleep. mild drama here and there. nothing that's going to bother me.

i had an overall happy week, aside from the fact that i'm totally sick.

i can't wait until 5:30. :D

woah.
it's like, early, and like, i'm up?

i caught a cold last night, i guess from running around in the rain, so i stayed home from school today.


i see no point in livejournal anymore. it's either i write about how depressed i am and dumb shit like that, or i make short posts like this one. i do have alot to talk about.. but it's just things that shouldn't be put out in public. and private entries seem pointless for me if it's an online journal.


well... valentine's day was officially awesome, for the first time in my life. i wish it didn't have to end. i spent the whole day with my bread<3 and then the rest of the night was filled with hillarious shit. i went to the diner afterwards with ilene, chef, chris, dave, royce, andrew and tiffany. haha, nananana! thats what SHE said. roofles.

life.... is good. in certain aspects. but, i'm liking it.


but i'm sick, so that ruins everything. *sneeze cough sniffle choke* damnit.

it's happening again.

the past 6 months are going to repeat themselves... i see it happening already.



and if they do, i'll kill myself before it gets to the point i was at.

okay so it's 8am and i'm at heathers
and i have no idea what's going on
why am i up so early? O_O


and i can;t find my fone, and i really have to pee.

oh well. last night was one of the happiest nites of my entire life.
except for the occasional drama, which i couldave put an end to, but someone made a jackass move..

whatever. it's fucking FREEZING IN HERE.

i'm going back to sleep.

i really hate how when i actually waaant to go to bed early, i can't sleep.

i'm so riled up about tomorrow. a thousand and one amazing things to look forward to. one in particular i'm dying waiting for though. <33

i realized my taste in music varies so much, and i'll get into one certain thing at a time, and it always lasts like 3 weeks. i was into the whole "emo" type thing for a while, and then i was introduced the wonderful world of trance/techno. now my playlist consists of eurobeat, trance, industrial, metal, emo, ska, punk, and whatever the hell else there is. but the past few mornings, on the way to school amanda has played three cheers for sweet revenge by my chemical romance, and i had her burn me a copy and i've fallen in love. the only song i skip is i'm not okay, because it's so fucking played out and annoys the hell out of me.

as i just sat in my bed for 2 hours trying to fall asleep, i thought alot. not the usual either. i've been thinking about how i look. and how i've looked. my style has changed so much. i went from preppy loser, to metalhead freak stupid shit, to the i'm a lesbian ufo pants look, to normal. i guess i'd consider it normal now. but i don't want to look normal. i don't want to be a stereotype either though. i've got so many ideas, just from browsing on myspace and looking at various girls... i'm so jealous of so many of them. i don't consider myself ugly, but i just don't see what all these people see when they tell me i'm so damn gorgeous and all this. i know i can do better... but there's always the money issue, and i can't really afford to go extreme shopping right now.

all i know is i really want to get my lip peirced. i really like the idea of peircings, and i've always wanted alot of them. it took forever to persuade my mom into letting me get my eyebrow done. i asked her about my lip today and she says after i get my braces off, which should be sometime in the next 2 months. that makes me soooo happy. i really want to work on changing my look. i plan on doing something crazy to my hair soon also. i always had some strange hair color, and the past few dyes have been natural colors. i want to go back to black, but add some pink in it. bright ass pink, like my hair was in august. that'd be awesome.

tomorrroowwwwwwwwwwwww why can't it come any fasterrrrrr?!! ughhh. i know it's going to be the longest school day ever. my days go by so fast since i sleep every period every day, but now i'm failing (probably staying back) and being sent to counseling for it. (YES MORE FUCKING COUNSELING YAY ugh) so i'm going to stay awake the entire day tomorrow and see if i can survive. i'm going to stare at the clock.. and every second is going to feel like an hour, i just know it. i wish i could skip to 4:00, and ryan would be at my house, and the world would be wonderful, and it would be friday night. and i would go to heather's, and everything would just be so great.

i just realized how much i've just bullshitted about random shit in this entry. time to go find something else to do until i finally fall asleep. <3

my lj is orange.
....love is orange.


today was horribly confusing. but sadly, i enjoyed every minute of it. fuck justin leone and his entire family. fuck bullshitters and liars. fuck drama whores and attention whores. i'm liking this idea of not caring. it's bringing good. if i don't give a fuck, then it's alot of stress off my back. it's really hard to stay this way though.

so, the single thing is working out okay, but the ever so familiar "i am lonely, please date me" feeling is still lingering. and the jealousy issues... that problem i guess is never going to end. but i have to say, over all, all the problems i've been complaining about for the past year are slowly getting better.

i just really hope that things don't get too good, because whenever that happens to me, everything just goes straight back downhill. i feel it coming.. blah. i'll just try not to worry about it.

so, it's getting warmer out lately. the smell in the air brings back memories.. so many. 2004 was a year full of extreme fun, love, friends, trips, good times... and overwhelming bad times. so much shit that was in the back of my mind from this past year has been coming back to me and smacking me in the face, just from certain smells in the air, in certain rooms... certain colors, and every little thing that could possibly remind me of this summer. seaside with toria and steve. the boardwalk. amanda's car. soy sauce city. the break, and my first times there. meeting all of my current friends. jesse. summer school. mike. EVERYBODY. every place. it makes me so fucking depressed... just thinking of these good times, and knowing i'll never have the same thing back again. and how much i took it for granted, and didn't even realize it. knowing that the spring and summer is near makes me so indescribably happy, and yet brings tears to my eyes at the same time... i guess because i'm afraid i'll waste it away, and not get a chance to have the time of my life like i did last year.

life is so fucking hard.
so fucking hard to appreciate..

yo


who wants to be my valentine?


<3

what a friggin' weekend. oh well, for the most part, it was one of the happiest times i've had in a WHILE.
i'm actually happy. and...



finally. xD i look so silly
i'm never playing freckles again.

( more pictures from today )

MOMMY'S HOME!!!!!!!!




xD!

last night was great. and so was today.
and tomorrow... is going to be AWESOME. <3



i can't wait.

i'm just sitting here.
and sitting.. and looking around, and thinking.

i was on the fone with nick for a while. i was crying for 2 hours straight.
i realized.. i havn't been truely happy in 6 months.
sure.. i've been happy, having fun with my friends, all that. but i don't think there has been one second in the past half of a year that there hasn't been a thing bothering me. it seems like i'm asking for too much... but all i need is just the overwhelming stress and angst and anger and depression to end. i know that every person in life is depressed at one point or another. but why must i be... every second of my life. i'm so overwhelmed, and i'm losing my mind. i'm to the point (the feeling which i am VERY familiar with) that i have no hope, and no idea what to think or do.

just SO much. so.. much. so much. too much. too much to handle. i'm sick and fucking tired of everybody telling me it's just because i'm a teenager, and every teenager goes through this, and it's my hormones. you all just have no idea... there are things people know, and things people don't know, and never..NEVER will. i'd just love for everyone to know everything about me, so i wouldn't have to worry about what people think of me. i wouldn't have to worry what people wonder about me. i wouldn't have to worry about complaining about being so depressed, because people would understand.

but... and i dare you to prove me wrong... nobody, not one person, will ever understand the thoughts and feelings that go through me. nobody will ever know the true me.

and it FUCKING HURTS.

two words.
bull.shit.

no longer hiding anything.
the truth will come out
no matter what it takes
or who i hurt.

the world.. is out to get me.

you can go fuck yourself.

you can guilt trip everyone all you want, but i'm not falling for it anymore.

i'm sick of doing everything in favor of everyone else but myself. it's time for ME.


done with the drama, the immaturity, and the emotional stress. i'm going to live my life a happy person, and none of you are going to fucking ruin it for me like you have been for the past 6 months. you all know who you are, especially one person.



fuck you.

today was an extroidinarly gooood day. midterms didn't go that great, but i really could care less right now. slept right when i got home from school until around 6:30, and headed to the break at 7:30. NO.DRAMA.! so great. everybody seemed fairly happy, including myself, and i had lots of fun. goofing off and being really hyper from all the energy drinks i had. i did okay in the tournament, i got 3rd, but the handicap was space so i fucked up alot. i got really upset over losing tonight, and i'm really sorry to all for acting the way i did. i don't know why i freaked out so badly...i just get so competitive, and i felt really shitty physically so i did bad. oh well. at least i won $5.

so, tomorrow is willowbrook, and i'm damn excited. i just hope i wake up in the morning, because i'm so dead right now. i can't wait. yayayayayayayyyyy

sucky thing is i think i caught something because i threw up earlier and felt sick most of the night, and i still do. usually when i feel like this it goes away overnight, so hopefully it won't stick with me. i really don't want to get sick.

oh well, i need to shower and sleep now, because i have to wake up at 11.

goddamn i have weird dreams. this is all i remember.

me and rachael were running from the cops (one of the cops was an old friend of mine, bob) and we hopped this fence, but over the fence was a lake and she fell in, and alligators came after her but for some reason she got out okay, and we went to this really big house where ryan lived but he wasn't there, it was just REALLY OLD PEOPLE like 100 year old people and they were giving out a shitload of donuts, becaues it was like a donut and cookie factory, and i think i worked there or something, and they threw donuts at us. and then we were working in the cookie factory and one of my co-workers was the person that had to do with that entry "bitchez be hatin yo" and so i dipped her head in the hot oil (do they use oil for cookies? i think not) and she turned into a zombie and called the cops and bob came and tom was one of the cops too, so me and rachael start running again and we have cigarettes, but for some reason cigarettes are considered extremely illegal in this land and we couldn't be seen with them.

then my fone rang.

i'm so confused, cus i fell asleep around 12 when i came home and now it's 5. but i don't remember going to sleep.

oh well, IT'S FRIDAY!